Me – A Moron in a Parka
Weather: -9c and clear outside
MONTREAL, QUEBEC – Only two days to lift off.
The hotels are booked, the plane tickets bought and the winter gear all packed.
We ended up getting ‘Snow Mantra’ parkas. They’re from the Canada Goose company and are bight CBC- red.
I usually hate the attitude I get when I shop in camping stores. But there’s nothing quite like walking into that kind of shop and asking for the “Snow Mantra”.
The clerks .. no matter how many times they’ve trekked Everest or strangled grizzly bears with their bare hands … treat you differently. And if I’m not mistaken, there was even a slight glimmer of respect in their eyes.
Why? Because basically, the ‘Snow Mantra’ is the bad-ass of Arctic parkas. It’s for people that are going outside in sub-zero weather, and staying outside in sub-zero weather.
And doing it for a really, really long time.
Because of all that, I had high expectations today when I tried on my entire Arctic gear kit for the first time. I was half expecting to look like an Arctic adventurer of yore, but as I turned to look in the mirror, I quickly realized one thing.
I look like a complete moron.
Sure I’ll be warm. But the problem is that Mantras (and most other parkas), aren’t made for women. Even if it says “women’s” on the label, it’s usually just an extra-small men’s size.
The clerk at one store even told us they “don’t carry many women’s size Arctic parkas” because “women don’t really go to the Arctic.” (That would come as a surprise to all the scientists, researchers and Arctic entrepreneurs that I’ve interviewed over the course of the last few months that also happen to be women. But that, as they say, would be another blog post)
Anyway, all this sucks, not just for aesthetic reasons, but also for practical ones.
Because, when it’s cold and windy, you should be able to close the parka hood completely, leaving a hole for your eyes to look out.
But my parka is designed for a man’s stature, so the proportions are all wrong. When I close my hood up, it completely blindfolds me, covering everything but my…..teeth.
Just what I need when we’re out on the land in –40c, a way to expose my freakn’ teeth to the elements.