Decorating a Christmas tree is one way to prepare for the holiday, but there are other preparations that can avert family conflict, says a Toronto psychiatrist.
Photo Credit: Sue Ogrocki/Associated Press

Blended families face extra holiday stress

Advertising and the entertainment media have led Canadians to have high expectations for holiday festivities with family, but conflict can erupt, particularly in so-called blended families. This is how society describes families where the parents have split up and then partnered with someone new who already has children.

‘Like throwing scorpions in a jar’

“In all families there are tensions and hostilities and resentments,” says Toronto psychiatrist Irvin Wolkoff. “They’re very easy to ignore on April 26th because there’s nothing special about April 26th, but around December 25th, the expectation is that we not have those normal feelings. And when people get together around a family table, without proper preparation it can be like throwing scorpions into a jar.

Listen“Suddenly there are huge tensions, huge stresses, people are not going to behave their best,” says Wolkoff, adding the tensions in blended families can be worse.

“Behind every blended family is what used to be called a broken family. Somebody left somebody and there will always be at least some feelings of sadness and often resentment, hostility, vengeful wishes,” he says. And as with other families, it is easier to glide past these at other times of the year than when families are forced together and emotions are running high.

null
Limiting alcohol at the family meal can be one way to limit escalating tension, says Toronto psychiatrist. © Lynn Desjardins

‘Prepare’

Preparation is one way to try to head off outbursts and bad behaviour. Wolkoff recommends hosts take a little time every day to examine underlying family issues, identify problem areas and try to come up with strategies to cope with them.

He suggests hosts call difficult family members, acknowledge that there may be painful issues for them and ask how they can help the person get along and integrate well.  “If they say ‘you can help me by dropping dead,’ don’t be afraid to say “it’s regrettable but I don’t think we should celebrate together this year.’

‘Limit alcohol’

Alcohol consumption can make things worse, and Wolkoff says hosts can try to minimize its effects by not serving spirits, but instead offering wine and beer which is not as strong. He also says hosts should not be afraid to suggest someone has had enough to drink and, if their behaviour becomes very bad, to offer to telephone for a taxi to take them home.

Maybe ‘heal some rifts’

“Since it’s family, you do it as nicely as possible,” says Wolkoff. “But all you do by tolerating bad behaviour is encourage more of it.” It’s best to not let things get to this stage, but instead to try to smooth things over before the get together.

“Even though it’s difficult to confront stresses in a family, if you do that before the holidays the reward could be a really big payoff…Take advantage of the opportunity and see if maybe you can heal some rifts in the family.”

Categories: Society
Tags:

Do you want to report an error or a typo? Click here!

For reasons beyond our control, and for an undetermined period of time, our comment section is now closed. However, our social networks remain open to your contributions.